I've been lonely for a very long time. This isn't to discount my two very best friends that I've managed to hold onto since we graduated what seems like eons ago. I love them both so much and would be so lost without them. But they both live a good distance away from me now, and neither of them understand my love for Lolita or BJDs, nor do they share my passion for artistic pursuits like writing or drawing. We're very different people, and that's amazing. But sometimes it's just really damn lonely too.
I've tried making friends in the Lolita and BJD comms for a long time, and my attempts have always failed for pretty much the exact same reason: I'm just too far away.
I know a lot of Lolitas have to travel for meet ups and I'm not special in this regard, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. If I am only capable of attending a meet up once a month, how am I honestly expected to forge meaningful relationships in just a few short hours?
Today, I think I've reached my tipping point.
I have been very excited about attending a BJD meet up that for once, was only about half an hour away from me. YAY! I've been planning on it for weeks and it's finally this weekend. However, because of the heat, the event organizer changed the location, to a spot an hour and a half away. I lamented my disappointed to the group about possibly not being able to come anymore because of the distance, and I was informed that I had been mistaken, this meet up was NEVER intended to be held in the spot I had thought it was. Somehow I had gotten myself turned around and I made a fool of myself.
Literally a few minutes later came a response to me about a question I had asked my "local" Lolita group on Facebook, wondering if there was going to be a sales meet up planned for this year. I was informed they only host one once a year....and it had already passed last month.
I know these seem like small things, but I feel so defeated. Because of wedding costs I had been gearing up and planning to post about my decision to sell a majority of my Lolita wardrobe with the plans to revive it later on down the road with renewed vigor. But now, I'm ready to throw everything I have on Lace Market at a deep discount, get it all out of my house and never dare touch anything poofy or lacy again.
I know some Lolitas have the desire and will to wear their frills all by themselves. I admire them, and take this to be a sign that perhaps I have been fooling myself for so many years into wishing this fashion could be for me. My feelings of confusion and shame over my looks have only worsened the older I get, and I never did find that courage I was looking for to wear the things I find most beautiful.
I don't know if this is the end of The Twinkle Boss. I had such high hopes and aspirations for everything I wanted to do. I still think that maybe if I had been someone else, I would have been able to make all these things happen. But perhaps it's time to accept that these things just aren't for me, to move on, and to grow up.