I've been lonely for a very long time. This isn't to discount my two very best friends that I've managed to hold onto since we graduated what seems like eons ago. I love them both so much and would be so lost without them. But they both live a good distance away from me now, and neither of them understand my love for Lolita or BJDs, nor do they share my passion for artistic pursuits like writing or drawing. We're very different people, and that's amazing. But sometimes it's just really damn lonely too.
I've tried making friends in the Lolita and BJD comms for a long time, and my attempts have always failed for pretty much the exact same reason: I'm just too far away.
I know a lot of Lolitas have to travel for meet ups and I'm not special in this regard, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. If I am only capable of attending a meet up once a month, how am I honestly expected to forge meaningful relationships in just a few short hours?
Today, I think I've reached my tipping point.
I have been very excited about attending a BJD meet up that for once, was only about half an hour away from me. YAY! I've been planning on it for weeks and it's finally this weekend. However, because of the heat, the event organizer changed the location, to a spot an hour and a half away. I lamented my disappointed to the group about possibly not being able to come anymore because of the distance, and I was informed that I had been mistaken, this meet up was NEVER intended to be held in the spot I had thought it was. Somehow I had gotten myself turned around and I made a fool of myself.
Literally a few minutes later came a response to me about a question I had asked my "local" Lolita group on Facebook, wondering if there was going to be a sales meet up planned for this year. I was informed they only host one once a year....and it had already passed last month.
I know these seem like small things, but I feel so defeated. Because of wedding costs I had been gearing up and planning to post about my decision to sell a majority of my Lolita wardrobe with the plans to revive it later on down the road with renewed vigor. But now, I'm ready to throw everything I have on Lace Market at a deep discount, get it all out of my house and never dare touch anything poofy or lacy again.
I know some Lolitas have the desire and will to wear their frills all by themselves. I admire them, and take this to be a sign that perhaps I have been fooling myself for so many years into wishing this fashion could be for me. My feelings of confusion and shame over my looks have only worsened the older I get, and I never did find that courage I was looking for to wear the things I find most beautiful.
I don't know if this is the end of The Twinkle Boss. I had such high hopes and aspirations for everything I wanted to do. I still think that maybe if I had been someone else, I would have been able to make all these things happen. But perhaps it's time to accept that these things just aren't for me, to move on, and to grow up.
You shouldn't wish to be somebody else. You are great as you are. If lolita isn't for you, then that's absolutely not a failing on your part-- it just means you need to find whatever it is that will make you feel content elsewhere. I certainly don't believe that your problem rests in a lack of maturity as the title of your post would suggest. It sounds to me more like you have self-image issues that need addressing before you can be truly happy in whatever it is you wear and do.
ReplyDeleteIt must suck to find yourself so far from others who share your interests, and I can see how it would be a constant uphill battle to try to involve yourself in your hobbies more. I understand why wearing lolita alone might be daunting (particularly if you live in an area which is less than tolerant of alternative fashion), and I have experienced terrible loneliness in the past (well, I still do seeing as my friends live in different towns to me, and I'm in a long distance relationship). I will say though, that only attending meets once a month is how I managed to forge meaningful friendships. I had to take the initiative I suppose, and one day, after chatting away and getting along well for several consecutive meets, I simply asked if they wanted to hang out outside of a meetup and it went from there. I wouldn't give up hope just yet!
If you're not feeling the meet thing, I wonder, would getting dressed up and simply spending a nice day with your soon to be husband be something you could try? Sure, it wouldn't be a meetup with a ton of others dressed like you. But you'd be with someone supportive, someone you know for a fact finds you to be perfect just the way you are both inside and out.
I personally found the confidence to wear lolita by myself when I treated it as everyday clothing, rather than looking at it like special occasion attire I would need to psyche myself up to wear. I own many darker colourways and pieces which are easy to tone down. My coordinates are casual for the most part, and draw very little attention.
Apologies for rambling... but basically, I hope you will continue to blog, even if it turns out lolita isn't something you can see yourself wearing from now on. I enjoy reading your posts immensely, and it would be such a shame to see this wonderful space disappear. I have so much faith in you, and I know that one day, you will be able to look at yourself and see the strong, confident, beautiful person you really are <3
I really want to hug you right now. This makes me so sad.
ReplyDeleteI've found that, as I get older, my wardrobe gains focus. I've always been pretty heavily classic/gothic, so my wardrobe has been focusing more and more on florals, solids, tartans, and stripes, things that I can wear to work without too much fuss.
I don't think you've been fooling yourself, but I can definitely understand feeling lonely and downright alone.
The saddest thing, though, is to read that you experience confusion and shame about your looks. Not that I don't think everyone has some measure of that, but because it is to the point that the clothing you find beautiful isn't something you want to wear because of it. That makes me so very sad.
*hugs* Keep trying, even if it's just a little bit at a time.