Wednesday, March 18, 2015

I'm Lost

Do you guys remember that scene in Disney's Lilo and Stitch,where Stitch runs away? He takes Lilo's book, The Ugly Duckling, with him, after she read it to him and told him about the little duckling who was searching and cry out for his family. Alone and confused, Stitch wanders into the first, calling out for a home he doesn't realize he already has.

Artwork by Colby Bluth

Sadly, I am neither as cute, fluffy or as as poignant as Stitch. But, I do think he and I do share something between us that is still very important. That is, a lack of understanding and acceptance of who we are.

When I started writing this blog, I never intended for it to revolve around such issues as body positivity and the self acceptance movement. And honestly, I still don't really intend to delve too deeply into those very complicated issues. But, given how intrinsically tied together fashion and my own body image are,  I think it would be naive of me to dismiss them altogether.

Personally speaking, I have never fully accepted, understood or loved my body for what it is, and I'm honestly not sure if I ever will. However, I do find that with the right clothes, I can find a new appreciation for it, which is why I think fashion as a whole is so important to me. I don't like to use clothes to hide myself or to feel like the garments are wearing me instead of the other way around.

Still, I'm struggling. Despite my bold attempts in the past few months to break out of my strict "all black only" box to pursue bigger and better things, I find myself seriously floundering. I look into my closet crammed with clothes, and this is what I find: half a dozen tulle skirts in various colors, too many solid black Lolita dresses I never wear, solid knit plain long sleeve t-shirts and tank tops, maybe three regular blouses and another half dozen frilly shift dresses. 

Nothing is cohesive. Nothing works. I hate wearing knit tops, yet I seem to be extraordinarily picky when it comes to purchasing blouses. Yet the lack the blouses makes it very difficult to wear my JSKs or my skirts. I feel like there is a HUGE absence of accessories-jewelry, belts, hats, cardigans, etc. that really pull together an outfit and make it look complete, yet I've so little understanding in how to coordinate these things without looking busy that I never seem to purchase any. Instead, I constantly feel plain, boring and ultimately frumpy.

I do feel lost. Not only in my navigating my wardrobe, but in simply trying to understand who I am and what exactly it is I am trying to represent. I feel childish, insecure and self conscious in poofy skirts, cutesy tea parties and adorable head pieces. Yet I feel extraordinarily dull, uninspired and sad in the simple, boxy designs often offered by most American retail stores. I long for whimsical skirts, romantic lace and flowing chiffon. I adore bows and pretty roses and feminine polka dots. Yet I can't seem to find the right balance. Sweet, yet mature. Playful yet elegant.

I'm still searching. Still looking and hoping and trying. But I've come to accept it.

I'm lost.


  1. I think we've all been there. All I can do is suggest you try everything you can (within reason of course!) Perhaps otome kei would suit you, or even retro fashions (eg 40s and 50s inspired dresses etc). Either way, there WILL be something out there that suits you and that you will feel great in. It may take a lot of experimentation to get there but you will! I am happy to send you some reference pictures and ideas if you want :)

    It also sounds like you need to do some soul searching. I think talking about your feelings to those you're close to can help, and they might be able to provide helpful insights based on their own experiences. Sometimes it can be more than just feeling like you need a style intervention, but wanting to drastically change your life in general. I'm sorry to hear about your own issues with accepting your body, and I wonder if trying to work through those problems might open up some doors as to how you can move forwards from them style-wise but also mentally. I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to hearing how you get on with it. Try to stay positive <3

  2. Thank you so much for commenting, you're very sweet :) I do have a few rockabilly dresses that while I do like, I feel they're more of an occasional thing as they're not particularly delicate or romantic, if that makes sense. I have JUST heard about otome and I absolutely LOVE it from what I've found. It takes my favorite aspects of Lolita but puts it in a more easy-to-wear, every day sort of style which I think has been a big obstacle with me and Lolita as I do wish to wear it as often as possible but find it just a bit too inconvenient for work. Anything you have to share about it I would most definitely be all ears!!

    But I do think you hit the nail on the head. I think I've been avoiding some issues for a very long time and the frustration that they're not simply going away and being covered up by fashion is making it worse. I want my wardrobe to be a pure means of self expression, not just another mask. It might be time for another closet clean out and maybe this time I'll have to force myself to look at my clothes in relation to myself, not just pieces of fabric that never seem to get me any closer to where I want to be.


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