Do you guys remember that scene in Disney's Lilo and Stitch,where Stitch runs away? He takes Lilo's book, The Ugly Duckling, with him, after she read it to him and told him about the little duckling who was searching and cry out for his family. Alone and confused, Stitch wanders into the first, calling out for a home he doesn't realize he already has.
|Artwork by Colby Bluth|
Sadly, I am neither as cute, fluffy or as as poignant as Stitch. But, I do think he and I do share something between us that is still very important. That is, a lack of understanding and acceptance of who we are.
When I started writing this blog, I never intended for it to revolve around such issues as body positivity and the self acceptance movement. And honestly, I still don't really intend to delve too deeply into those very complicated issues. But, given how intrinsically tied together fashion and my own body image are, I think it would be naive of me to dismiss them altogether.
Personally speaking, I have never fully accepted, understood or loved my body for what it is, and I'm honestly not sure if I ever will. However, I do find that with the right clothes, I can find a new appreciation for it, which is why I think fashion as a whole is so important to me. I don't like to use clothes to hide myself or to feel like the garments are wearing me instead of the other way around.
Still, I'm struggling. Despite my bold attempts in the past few months to break out of my strict "all black only" box to pursue bigger and better things, I find myself seriously floundering. I look into my closet crammed with clothes, and this is what I find: half a dozen tulle skirts in various colors, too many solid black Lolita dresses I never wear, solid knit plain long sleeve t-shirts and tank tops, maybe three regular blouses and another half dozen frilly shift dresses.
Nothing is cohesive. Nothing works. I hate wearing knit tops, yet I seem to be extraordinarily picky when it comes to purchasing blouses. Yet the lack the blouses makes it very difficult to wear my JSKs or my skirts. I feel like there is a HUGE absence of accessories-jewelry, belts, hats, cardigans, etc. that really pull together an outfit and make it look complete, yet I've so little understanding in how to coordinate these things without looking busy that I never seem to purchase any. Instead, I constantly feel plain, boring and ultimately frumpy.
I do feel lost. Not only in my navigating my wardrobe, but in simply trying to understand who I am and what exactly it is I am trying to represent. I feel childish, insecure and self conscious in poofy skirts, cutesy tea parties and adorable head pieces. Yet I feel extraordinarily dull, uninspired and sad in the simple, boxy designs often offered by most American retail stores. I long for whimsical skirts, romantic lace and flowing chiffon. I adore bows and pretty roses and feminine polka dots. Yet I can't seem to find the right balance. Sweet, yet mature. Playful yet elegant.
I'm still searching. Still looking and hoping and trying. But I've come to accept it.