I'm Lost

Do you guys remember that scene in Disney's Lilo and Stitch,where Stitch runs away? He takes Lilo's book, The Ugly Duckling, with him, after she read it to him and told him about the little duckling who was searching and cry out for his family. Alone and confused, Stitch wanders into the first, calling out for a home he doesn't realize he already has.

Artwork by Colby Bluth

Sadly, I am neither as cute, fluffy or as as poignant as Stitch. But, I do think he and I do share something between us that is still very important. That is, a lack of understanding and acceptance of who we are.

When I started writing this blog, I never intended for it to revolve around such issues as body positivity and the self acceptance movement. And honestly, I still don't really intend to delve too deeply into those very complicated issues. But, given how intrinsically tied together fashion and my own body image are,  I think it would be naive of me to dismiss them altogether.

Personally speaking, I have never fully accepted, understood or loved my body for what it is, and I'm honestly not sure if I ever will. However, I do find that with the right clothes, I can find a new appreciation for it, which is why I think fashion as a whole is so important to me. I don't like to use clothes to hide myself or to feel like the garments are wearing me instead of the other way around.

Still, I'm struggling. Despite my bold attempts in the past few months to break out of my strict "all black only" box to pursue bigger and better things, I find myself seriously floundering. I look into my closet crammed with clothes, and this is what I find: half a dozen tulle skirts in various colors, too many solid black Lolita dresses I never wear, solid knit plain long sleeve t-shirts and tank tops, maybe three regular blouses and another half dozen frilly shift dresses. 

Nothing is cohesive. Nothing works. I hate wearing knit tops, yet I seem to be extraordinarily picky when it comes to purchasing blouses. Yet the lack the blouses makes it very difficult to wear my JSKs or my skirts. I feel like there is a HUGE absence of accessories-jewelry, belts, hats, cardigans, etc. that really pull together an outfit and make it look complete, yet I've so little understanding in how to coordinate these things without looking busy that I never seem to purchase any. Instead, I constantly feel plain, boring and ultimately frumpy.

I do feel lost. Not only in my navigating my wardrobe, but in simply trying to understand who I am and what exactly it is I am trying to represent. I feel childish, insecure and self conscious in poofy skirts, cutesy tea parties and adorable head pieces. Yet I feel extraordinarily dull, uninspired and sad in the simple, boxy designs often offered by most American retail stores. I long for whimsical skirts, romantic lace and flowing chiffon. I adore bows and pretty roses and feminine polka dots. Yet I can't seem to find the right balance. Sweet, yet mature. Playful yet elegant.

I'm still searching. Still looking and hoping and trying. But I've come to accept it.

I'm lost.

Elegance, maturity and self confidence

Unfortunately this update seems a bit like a continuation of my post I wrote a little earlier this month, but please bear with me. Although I'm very focused on currently upgrading my wardrobe to reflect who I really am, the process is a slow one and I suppose I should have expected some growing pains along the way. 

 Anyway, I would like now to divert your attention to the lovely couple on the left. Aren't they adorable? That would be my gorgeous best friend and her boyfriend, taking a picture just before they set off to a dinner party. I saw this picture pop up on my facebook not to long ago and it struck a chord with me.

For as long as I can remember my bestie and I have had very different personal styles when it comes to clothing. Not only are our bodies completely different, but our tastes are simply on separate paths. This isn't really something that tends to bother me, because everyone is unique, we all have our own preferences, likes and dislikes, and that's part of what makes every individual so beautiful!

Unfortunately, looking at this photograph made me realize something about myself. I'm not happy with the way I dress. This picture exemplifies an elegance and class that I admire, yet feel that I never seem to achieve. Of course, my friend's dress is nowhere near Lolita and it's not a dress I would feel particularly comfortable wearing, but it does leave me wondering-if I no longer feel beautiful in Lolita nor have I ever in more traditional clothing, then what's left for me?

I realize there are many substyles of Lolitas, but for me, the allure has always been about the grace, delicacy and antique beauty it offers. I wear Lolita in order to feel classy, not cute. Mature, not young. Then I realize that perhaps the problem lies within my utter inability to coordinate, rather than the actual clothes. It's all extremely frustrating, but it's leaving me in a position where all I'm wearing nowadays are the same long skirt+tank top+cardigan combo and all it's doing is leaving me feeling boring, sloppy and ugly. I study the outfits of the Lolitas I admire and attempt to piece together what exactly it is about them that works so beautifully, yet despite my efforts an outfit that filled me with pride at the beginning of the day will so often end in disappointment.

I'm not giving up just yet. Money has been very tight this month so perhaps the problem just lies in the fact that I haven't been able to update the basic of my wardrobe with classier pieces than what I previously had. I have managed to order one new JSK in a completely different style and color than I am used to, and I'm very excited for it to arrive since I hope that perhaps something completely out of my norm will be just the ticket I need to get me back on track, exploring new things and hopefully find myself.